FrEnemies

FrEnemies: How to be
a Good Friend in the Age of “Keepin’ it Real”

If you think a fair-weather friend is bad, just wait until
you experience a frenemy.

Frenemies, you know, those people who claim to be your
friend but secretly enjoy seeing you hurt, embarrassed, and/or stagnant. Folks
who speak and let the chips fall where they may. Recently, I saw this very
thing at play while watching some mindless television programming. TLC’s “Say Yes
to the Dress: Atlanta” provides a stress-free combination of fantastic dresses
and drama. The drama that ensues stems from the brides and the folks she brings
along to assist her in selecting her dream gown. During one segment of the show
a twenty-something Black bride-to-be arrived at the boutique with her entourage
of “keep it real” girlfriends.

Keep it real girlfriends are the ones who are supposed to tell you when something is
stuck in your teeth, encourage you to “woman-up” and achieve your goals, and
have your back during life’s low points. Other male or female terms for such
friends include your “boy”/your “girl,” partner in crime, padre, road dog, play
cousin….you get the point. But I digress. Let’s get back to the show. Very
quickly, it became clear that these so-called friends were easily earning the
title “frenemies.”In the name of “I’m just saying” or “you know me, I keeps it
real”, they unleashed unabashed criticism upon their “friend.” The beautiful
bride to be was criticized about nearly everything about her from her dress
selections to her figure. The raucous laughter made it undeniable that they
simply intended to steal her joy. These friends looked jealous and bitter,
which brings me to point one of being a good friend:

Point 1: A good
friend is happy for you, even when things aren’t going well in their world.

This can be hard to do. What makes it possible is two-fold. First,
being a friend requires love and self-sacrifice. Love without sacrifice is
shallow and empty. Even on a good day this love is (at best) only like but it
is certainly not love. Secondly, a good friend sees your successes communally.
This doesn’t mean they are now excited to mooch off your new job but rather
they find personal joy in knowing they have helped in encourage and pray for
the outcome that’s now happening to you.

Point 2: A good
friend does not intentionally cut you with their words.

In the name of
keeping it real, people have assaulted friends and family with their words.
Just because we know someone well and for a long time does not mean we remove
grace from our lips. Many failing marriages demonstrate this damaging  behavior. When we to talk to our spouse,
children and friends without considering their feelings, we are being hurtful
and taking a relationship that can terminate for granted.  Never forget, you are not guaranteed any human
relationship and even the ones that seem to come easy must be maintained.

Some friendships are a union around a common enemy. The minute
you break away from self-pity and hatred, the friendship deteriorates until a
new foe is found.  Let’s have friendships
that are based on uplifting each other instead of an organized pity party. There
should be no person that we get to talk to any kind of way including ourselves.
Some of us have self-talk that is so degrading that we make others
uncomfortable when they are around us.

 

Point 3: A good
friend does not consume all the space of the friendship.

Seasons of life bring about highs and lows for everyone. However,
if your friendship is dominated by the issues, needs, and mishaps of one
person, it can become draining and over-extending. While the gracious thing to
do includes continuing to walk with your struggling friend. At some, point you
will find that you need another friend just to recuperate.

Be honest, are you a frenemy or is there a frenemy you need
to distance yourself from? If you are a flat-out “hater” that cannot stand to
see even your friend reach his or her goal, I would encourage you to

1. Apologize to your friend before you are
   friendless

 

1. Seek help
   for your issues of hurt that make your needs consume all the space of your
   relationships.

Feel free to leave comments including shouts outs to that outstanding
friend in your life!

Christina H. Edmondson, PhD, LLP is a
psychologist, college instructor and speaker. Although, much of her time and
love are spent being a full-time wife and a mother of two. Please send family
and relationship topics that you would like to hear about to drchristinaedmondson@gmail.com or visit drchristinaedmondson.wordpress.com.