Healthy Me Before Healthy We

This article appears in the March 2012 issue of Gospel Today Magazine. Pick up a copy today.

Healthy “Me” Before Healthy “We”

 

Are your coworkers out to get you? The in-laws overwhelming? Spouse out of touch and unsupportive? Those church members being unreasonable… again? Sounds like you could have a case of “Them & They” disorder. You know, it’s always “them” or “they” with the problem. It certainly cannot be you.

Ok, so there is no such thing as “Them & They” disorder. However, if your relationships are marked by a pattern of conflict, distrust, and avoidance, an investment in time and counsel to explore yourself is long overdue.

Having God-honoring relationships in every area of our lives starts with the humility to assess oneself, to dig deep, clean house, unpack bags of drama, and begin the hard but worthwhile work of being more healthy and whole. Without a doubt, that can be intimidating talk. But you, child of God, are more than a conqueror in Christ Jesus. Conquering the hurts and struggles within you is within your reach.

So maybe you are thinking, “I am a loner” or “I don’t like people and all I need is King Jesus.” Sadly, the idea that we don’t need other people is often prevalent among Christians. However, the declaration that “it is not good for man to be alone” originates not from man, but from God (Genesis 2:18). God knows best about His creation. And it is in and through relationships with people that God graciously sanctifies us, positions us to share His gospel, and matures us for the work of the ministry.

So, what is the first step in fostering and maintaining a healthy self? How do we develop a sense of self-wellness, so that we can have healthy relationships with others? Such questions have led to generations of lively debates about what makes a person emotionally and spiritually healthy. Contemporary secular theories vary tremendously from the influences of Freud’s controversial and abstract view of personality to Carl Roger’s emphasis on self-actualizing (in other words, being your best self).

For the Believer, however, our identity and personhood finds its foundation in the Gospel of Jesus Christ. We come to see ourselves rightly when God’s Word is pointed towards us like a flashlight in a darkroom. This illumination both immediately and recurrently reveals our sins, our strengths, our insecurities, and our purpose in Christ Jesus.

Let’s face it—our own sins, as well as those sins committed against us can fill a lifetime’s worth of luggage with doubts and distrust. But thanks be to God—we are not left alone to unpack those bags! God Himself reveals to us, through His Word, our experiences, and even unhealthy relationships, the things that need to be forgiven by us and purged in us.

For example, you probably did not know just how impatient you were until your sister asked you to keep her clan— oh, I mean, “sweet children”— with little notice. Or perhaps those struggles with covetousness and pride became undeniable when your co-worker received the promotion that you thought should be yours. Self-assessment can be like cleaning out a closet. We’ll be shocked to see what we’ve been holding on to, yet delighted by the surprises we uncover and the freedom in letting things go.

Below are some thoughts to process as we move from the easy task of externalizing blame in relationships to internalizing responsibility and fostering healthy relationships.

1. Do I keep it real?

Some of us have struggles in relationships with others because we are certain that the other person will uncover “the real you.” The real “you” is someone you may very well be ashamed of, afraid of, or uncertain about. For this reason, you bring your representative to your relationships. It’s a pseudo-you that, without fail, will only last for a season because you can only fake being something you are not for so long.

2. What defines me?

Maybe it’s some trauma you’ve experienced, but cannot bear to address, that leaves you unwilling to be vulnerable and transparent before others. Perhaps it is the loss of a loved one whom the Lord called home. Or maybe the deterioration of a marriage that was supposed to last until parted by death.

Make a running list, grouped together in 5 or 7-year intervals, of the most significant events of your life. This is a practical way to see the events that have shaped you. It is surprising to see all that God has brought us through and to. We can rest in the truth that Christ’s work on the cross has redefined the life of the believer, from a sinner running from God to a saint who delights in the things of God. This provides our most important source of self-definition.

3. Do I make idols out of my relationships?

While there is nothing wrong with high standards, some of us look to relationships with others to meet deep voids. It’s likely that we lack the insight to see this while engaged in the relationship. If you find yourself frustrated because your spouse, co-worker, or church member isn’t near-perfectly meeting your needs, then you may be looking to the wrong sources for wholeness. To expect perfection from a person is idolatry. We are to look only to God for perfection. Look to Him, alone, for the relationship that ultimately fills all voids, meets and surpasses all needs, and defines who you are.

4. Am I willing to ask for help?

There is a great deal of stigma in the world about emotional problems. The stigma is even more profound in the church. As you are bravely and rightly assessing yourself, pray for continued wisdom to know when you may need to seek out Godly counsel to assist in further unpacking those things that have led to a broken “you” and toxic relationships. God is not limited in his ability to bring us comfort through a variety of means, including a pastoral counselor or mental health professional.

Humans— especially believers— are designed to be in fellowship. When we reflect on the majesty of our triune God, it becomes more understandable why we are to be in relationship and union with others. It is because of our love of God, and because of the relationship that He has called us into with Jesus, that we strive (and at times struggle) to deal with our issues, all the while demonstrating His love to those He brings our way.

So cue Hezekiah Walker’s classic song “I Need You to Survive,” because there is no such thing as a holy hermit. But before you set out to fix everyone else, set out to make the healthiest “you” possible.

FrEnemies

FrEnemies: How to be
a Good Friend in the Age of “Keepin’ it Real”

If you think a fair-weather friend is bad, just wait until
you experience a frenemy.

Frenemies, you know, those people who claim to be your
friend but secretly enjoy seeing you hurt, embarrassed, and/or stagnant. Folks
who speak and let the chips fall where they may. Recently, I saw this very
thing at play while watching some mindless television programming. TLC’s “Say Yes
to the Dress: Atlanta” provides a stress-free combination of fantastic dresses
and drama. The drama that ensues stems from the brides and the folks she brings
along to assist her in selecting her dream gown. During one segment of the show
a twenty-something Black bride-to-be arrived at the boutique with her entourage
of “keep it real” girlfriends.

Keep it real girlfriends are the ones who are supposed to tell you when something is
stuck in your teeth, encourage you to “woman-up” and achieve your goals, and
have your back during life’s low points. Other male or female terms for such
friends include your “boy”/your “girl,” partner in crime, padre, road dog, play
cousin….you get the point. But I digress. Let’s get back to the show. Very
quickly, it became clear that these so-called friends were easily earning the
title “frenemies.”In the name of “I’m just saying” or “you know me, I keeps it
real”, they unleashed unabashed criticism upon their “friend.” The beautiful
bride to be was criticized about nearly everything about her from her dress
selections to her figure. The raucous laughter made it undeniable that they
simply intended to steal her joy. These friends looked jealous and bitter,
which brings me to point one of being a good friend:

Point 1: A good
friend is happy for you, even when things aren’t going well in their world.

This can be hard to do. What makes it possible is two-fold. First,
being a friend requires love and self-sacrifice. Love without sacrifice is
shallow and empty. Even on a good day this love is (at best) only like but it
is certainly not love. Secondly, a good friend sees your successes communally.
This doesn’t mean they are now excited to mooch off your new job but rather
they find personal joy in knowing they have helped in encourage and pray for
the outcome that’s now happening to you.

Point 2: A good
friend does not intentionally cut you with their words.

In the name of
keeping it real, people have assaulted friends and family with their words.
Just because we know someone well and for a long time does not mean we remove
grace from our lips. Many failing marriages demonstrate this damaging  behavior. When we to talk to our spouse,
children and friends without considering their feelings, we are being hurtful
and taking a relationship that can terminate for granted.  Never forget, you are not guaranteed any human
relationship and even the ones that seem to come easy must be maintained.

Some friendships are a union around a common enemy. The minute
you break away from self-pity and hatred, the friendship deteriorates until a
new foe is found.  Let’s have friendships
that are based on uplifting each other instead of an organized pity party. There
should be no person that we get to talk to any kind of way including ourselves.
Some of us have self-talk that is so degrading that we make others
uncomfortable when they are around us.

 

Point 3: A good
friend does not consume all the space of the friendship.

Seasons of life bring about highs and lows for everyone. However,
if your friendship is dominated by the issues, needs, and mishaps of one
person, it can become draining and over-extending. While the gracious thing to
do includes continuing to walk with your struggling friend. At some, point you
will find that you need another friend just to recuperate.

Be honest, are you a frenemy or is there a frenemy you need
to distance yourself from? If you are a flat-out “hater” that cannot stand to
see even your friend reach his or her goal, I would encourage you to

1. Apologize to your friend before you are
   friendless

 

1. Seek help
   for your issues of hurt that make your needs consume all the space of your
   relationships.

Feel free to leave comments including shouts outs to that outstanding
friend in your life!

Christina H. Edmondson, PhD, LLP is a
psychologist, college instructor and speaker. Although, much of her time and
love are spent being a full-time wife and a mother of two. Please send family
and relationship topics that you would like to hear about to drchristinaedmondson@gmail.com or visit drchristinaedmondson.wordpress.com.

 

My Kid Has What??!!

 Is ADHD Even Real and How Do I Care for My
ADHD-Labeled Child

You are in the grocery store checkout line, the mall, or even at
church when, out-of-nowhere, a little person darts by you. It’s him, you know
the kid–the one jumping off the wall and bursting with energy who just can’t
seem to sit still. You think to yourself, “oh no he didn’t….he needs to sit his
little tail down” or better yet, “if that was MY child, there is absolutely NO
WAY he would act like that.” But what if it IS your child? What if it’s your kid
who has the apparent behavior, attention, or hyperactivity issues?  Despite all the efforts that you know to
employ, including everything from threats, to “whoopings,” to negotiations and
outright bribery, the behavior persists. What a frustrating place for a parent
to be! The parent often has few real answers and too many unsolicited opinions.

ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) is one of the most
commonly diagnosed disorders among American children (1). However, this
diagnosis presents some unique and challenging issues for Black children. Unfairly,
their hyperactivity is easily viewed through racist lenses and often misinterpreted
as somehow violent, deviant, or to be expected.  No wonder many African Americans resist having
their children diagnosed and labeled with ADHD. We understand the real consequences
for Black children who don’t “fall in line.” Their behavior whether age
appropriate or not, is more quickly demonized and/or pathologized.

However, the worst thing we can do for seemingly inattentive or
hyperactive children may be to lower our standards or do nothing at all. I have
often heard adolescent clients say, “I have ADHD, Ms. Christina, you can’t
expect me to act right.” My response is almost always, “Oh yes, I can…Moreover,
I expect every responsible adult in your life to model what is expected, set
high standards, give consequences when appropriate and create conditions for
success.”  We owe our children enough
respect to discipline them, love them, and encourage them.  We have a generation bound to hold us
responsible for what we did not give them. I am not referring to material good,
we often overwhelm in this area, but rather the deeper lessons like
self-control, character, hard work, and reverence.

Comments like “ADHD isn’t real” (while I understand the sentiment)
demonstrate a common misunderstanding about what a diagnosis really is. A
diagnosis is ONLY a set of criteria that you either meet or you don’t. ADHD is
only a name given to a certain grouping of behaviors which occur together. ADHD
is debated from a variety of perspectives and I am sure you have your own
opinion. Common opinions and research findings range from genetics, nutrition,
culture, and parenting deficits. The truth is there is legitimacy in all of
these positions. However holding fast to only one, while neglecting the others,
can be harmful.

Here is the uncomfortable truth. One of the reasons doctors
prescribe medications when there is a natural treatment alternatives to a disorders
is because people are resistant to change.  We want to do what we want to do. Period. Getting a person to change can be as hard as
giving a lion a Tic Tac and most people simply don’t want to endure that kind
of bite.  We all know people who want
to eat WHATEVER they want. They crave certain unhealthy foods because they like
the taste or because they grew up eating it. Despite the results of one’s diet
and lifestyle being debilitating or lethal, the pattern persists. In addition
to this, there are real issues of access to healthy food and resources that are
a true disadvantage. Taking medication or getting a kid to “pop a pill” (which
is much harder than it sounds), is easier than the lifestyle change that may be
required to deal with some of the causes of ADHD symptoms. Limited means, lack
of knowledge, and no support are real issues that many well-meaning parents face.

The harder you cringe at the idea of your child (or any child)
using behavior modifying medication, the more seriously you should consider
some healthy lifestyle changes which most parents (regardless of economic
status) can employ.  These simple and practical
changes can have a dramatic impact on your child’s behavior and are good for
kids whether or not they have an ADHD diagnosis. Here are some things for all
of us to consider as parents:

Question
#1: Does my child consistently get enough sleep?

Many American children are sleep deprived. Kids don’t get to have
the cup(s) of coffee to start their day like many overworked and overextended
parents. One study showed that nearly 10% of Kindergarten through 4^th
graders actually fall asleep at school (3). I don’t know about you, but one of
the clear signs that my oldest child is over-tired is a spike in hyperactivity.
This is why it’s important to get kids down before they become “dog tired.” Many
parents are not consistent with bedtime because they feel guilty due to various
work commitments. However we do our kids no favors when we leave them
undisciplined due to our inconsistency or feelings of guilt. Sleep is necessary
for the body to repair itself and it is an important part of growth and
development in children. Buckle down, set a bedtime, and demonstrate to your
child that you know best by sticking to it. Three weeks or less of hard work is
worth the good habit you are sowing into your child.

Question
#2: What am I feeding my kid?

What we eat says a lot about our
lifestyle, income, and access to food. The question for parents regardless of
income and time is “what is the best I can do nutrition-wise for my children?”
Recent research shows just how crucial this may be when dealing with
hyperactivity and inattentiveness in children. Dr. Bernard
Weiss, a professor of environmental medicine at the University of Rochester
School of Medicine and Dentistry, reports that food additives can sometimes impact
a child’s behavior (2). One recent study even called for parents to purchase only
organic food to combat the likelihood of ADHD.  Some artificial food colors and preservatives
like sodium benzoate have been liked to “aggravated hyperactivity in two groups
of children without ADHD — 3-year-olds and 8- to 9-year-olds.(4)” Considering
there is a pot of collard greens (with pork) on my stove right now, I am not
advocating that parents force their kids to eat like rabbits, however I am arguing
that from research and common sense, it’s clear to see that we are what we eat.
For kids and adults the better we eat, the better we perform.  Not only will “Big Momma’s” discipline be
helpful, but also her kitchen. If it comes down to a choice between snapping
peas or popping pills, this sister is going to snap some peas.  As a working mother, I understand why this is
so difficult. Some practical suggestions include having assigned cooking days
where you make and package healthy meals. A healthy leftover beats carry out,
overly-processed or fast-food any day.

Question
#3: Given their age, do I have the right expectations for my child?

I encourage parents to not raise their children in a bubble. We
often don’t have an adequate sense of what is normal or standard behavior for
our child’s age range. Teachers have an advantage as parents, because they have
a sense of what children of certain ages are like in general. The amount of
energy that a healthy child can expend is mind boggling to an adult. Most
parents don’t have the stamina to hang with their energetic children, because
of the demands of work life and/or lack of exercise. It may feel like our
children are hyperactive when we don’t have the energy to engage with them. Our
world is in slow motion and theirs is on fast-forward. Engaging in some
physical activities with our kids whether indoors or outdoors, will benefit
both the adults and kids. Just remember to stretch before playing your Wii.

Question
#4: Does my child have trauma or emotional issues that require help and
support?

Another serious issue to consider is that many symptoms of ADHD in
children are similar to symptoms of trauma in children.  If your child is in a high stress environment
(neighborhood violence, argumentative parents, and/or a victim of abuse) they
need the space to process the anxiety associated with these experiences. If
not, their behavior will show forth the frustration and fear that is under the
surface. Consulting with another wise and respected parent, your pastor, or a
counselor may offer you the insight to better contextualize your child’s
behavior and give them the support to grow into emotionally healthy young
adults.

Question
#5: Does my child believe that trying hard matters?

“Effort optimism” is a term that relates to how strongly a student
believes that hard work will pay off.  A
strong conviction generally results in greater success and can become a
self-fulfilling prophecy reinforcing that belief. When kids don’t think their
efforts will produce desirable results they lose needed incentive to work hard.
The lack of success they experience reinforces the belief that their efforts
mean little.  This is an important
concept to consider among our children and ourselves. Why work hard when you
think nothing will work out for you anyway?
When good grades or behavior don’t get my parents’ attention, why try?

As parents, we are often geared to notice misbehavior. But
noticing and praising the behavior that is healthy and productive is likely to
reinforce it and make it occur more.

Dr.
Edmondson’s Practical Tip: Try this one evening. (This works best for an
elementary school aged child). First, get a large clear container and label it
“success” or “hard work”. Every time you notice your child behaving well
(setting the table, being kind to siblings, reading a book, using manners,
complying immediately, etc.)show them the cotton ball and say “you are on your
way to success.” It is your job to notice the good behavior and reward it
consistently. At the end of a couple of hours, show your child the container. It
should be filled up. By this point your child will learn a couple of visible
lessons.

1. My parent(s) sees and
notices me.

2. Good behavior pays off

3. Hard work leads to success

4. Accomplishment feels
good

I encourage you to be creative and discover interventions that fit
the uniqueness of your child.

Question
#6: Do I have a support team?

Finally, having a support team is essential when dealing with a
hyperactive or inattentive child. Why? Because parents need a break!  Even an hour of downtime can help the mental
health of a hardworking parent. You need to be recharged so that you can give
your child the best you. It also teaches them that people (even parents) need
space and that respecting your boundaries are important.

Parenting is hard work, sweat on your brow, hidden tears, and
prayer-whispering, hard work.  While
parents need some confidence to demonstrate their authority in the home, it is
unhealthy when a parent thinks they “know it all” and the shear biological ability
to produce a kid constitutes knowing how to raise one.

It is both a protective and loving instinct for parents to be slow
to accept a label or diagnosis regarding their child. With this being said, some
kids DO need professional help. Parenting requires standing your ground for
your child but also having the humility to seek and accept help. I know you
agree that our kids are worth it.

1. http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/shows/medicating/adhd/diagnostic.html

2. http://www.cnn.com/2010/HEALTH/11/18/health.food.additives.adhd/index.html

3. http://www.med.umich.edu/yourchild/topics/sleep.htm

4. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/44260583/ns/health-childrens_health/t/pesticides-food-linked-adhd-kids/?fb_ref=.Tm1hyqn19ws.like&fb_source=profile_oneline

Christina H. Edmondson, PhD, LLP is a
psychologist, college instructor and speaker. Although, much of her time and
love are spent being a full-time wife and a mother of two. Please send family
and relationship topics that you would like to hear about to drchristinaedmondson@gmail.com or visit drchristinaedmondson.wordpress.com.

 

 

Slippers, Switches and Belts: Understanding Black Folks loyalty to and love of Corporal Punishment

Seems like everybody has a story…like the one my college pal told me about “coming to” after saying something “crazy” to her mother. Then, there is the one I heard in the barber shop to floods of laughter as the barber recounted running for his life from his mother. She was hot on his heels with a slipper in one hand marked for his 7-year-old behind. Each story is laced with both laughter, shared communal experience, and a hidden discomfort, as some of these childhood tales walk a tight-rope of family loyalty and hidden childhood hurts. Black folks can certainly tell a story, and the colorful cringe-worthy way in which many of us talk about childhood “whoopings” is probably both alarming and incomprehensible to anti-spanking advocates. We often don’t think or care what they might say because after all “they don’t know nuthin’ about raising Black kids.” “Time out doesn’t work on our kids, knock out” we say, “now that will work!” With a bit of a giggle, I write those phrases representing sentiments shared with me by Black parents over the last several years. Seriously, I wonder what our discipline styles say about how we see our kids and inevitably ourselves.
Despite income and education, Black folks are more likely to “whoop” their kids and while there are some Obama-style parents (the Obama’s report no longer using corporal punishment), most Black folks are not giving it up. One reason is that it is effective, highly effective. Corporal punishment produces immediate compliance. Even the most staunch anti-spankings folks must admit that. The big issue is that long-term change in behavior is a much more complicated picture.
I heard a good friend and African American historian jokingly say, “everything goes back to slavery.” The long fingers of slavery still touch the psyche of Black America, and for some it has produced hesitant attachments and an overly critical image of their own children. Take for example the slave codes, a group of laws establishing the legal governance in which owners had over enslaved persons. Enslaved persons who broke these inhumane codes were subject to severe punishment. This punishment was almost always physical and, at its worst, lethal. While in no way am I proposing that some Black folks of today intentionally beat their kids like slaves (although as a therapist I have seen some pretty ugly stuff), I am suggesting without apology that the immovable resistance to try a multi-faceted approach to discipline and not just “whooping’em” is likely rooted here and in other baggage.
Something like childrearing is passed on from generation to generation. Most new parents have a running list of what they will not do like their parents. Some have been so bold to utter or at least think the phrase, “I’ll never treat my kids like you treated me.” This reactionary style of parenting without any skills to enhance or sustain it, ironically often leads parents right back to that which they formerly rejected. Despite family research not being on the side of spanking, over 25 countries banning corporal punishment, and there being proven methods of discipline without corporal punishment, loyalty and dare I say the love of the practice pervades. One reason is that for many discipline begins and ends at “whooping.” For too many persons (regardless of race) childrearing and correction MUST include physical consequences or it is not effective at changing unwanted behavior.
Some will read this and think “Hold up Dr. Edmondson, doesn’t the Bible say somewhere ‘spare the rod spoil the child?’” Well for starters that phrase is NOT found in the Bible. It actually comes from a 17th century love poem (The Hudibras) that has misled generations of folks into thinking that God requires that spanking be the only biblically-sanctioned form of disciplining children. Here is a clear New Testament imperative concerning parenting, Ephesians 6:4 reads “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord (NIV).” Parents are instructed not to push their kids to a place of bitterness and resentment. Yes, parents have the authority to use reasonable corporal punishment, but training in the Lord requires demonstrating His character to them. Using a pseudo-religious justification for not having a full-system of discipline is both lazy and wrong. Spankings don’t change the heart of a person and overindulgence in it produces bitterness in that very heart. Christians, of all people, should never use the Bible to promote any behavior that is not saturated with grace but, I will leave those more trained in the scriptures to ruminate on these matters.
Research and common sense both indicate that the strongest parenting styles combine firm, consistent boundaries, high standards, with abounding and tangible love. This is best known as the authoritative style of parenting. This style of parenting produces the healthiest outcomes. I like to think of it as “Big Momma Parenting 101.” Her hugs are as firm as her boundaries. The warmth, attention, and concern invested into her children are without debate. She is no hypocrite and lives what she preaches. She shows children how they ought to behave in how she lives. She is respected because she is respectable.
So here is something to think about. Below are a few parenting self-evaluation questions to consider as you cultivate your parenting style:
1. Do I think that I am somehow “less Black” if I employ alternatives to hitting my child?
2. Do I believe if I “Spare the Rod,” I will inevitably “Spoil the Child?” If yes, do I also apply (and know) actual Scriptures related to childrearing as passionately?
3. Is “wearing them out” and/or “jacking them up” necessary to get respect and compliance in my home?
4. Do my children have legitimate reasons to struggle with respecting me?
5. Do I model for my children what I want to see from them?
6. How do I respond to correction in my own life?
7. Do I expect things from my child that are developmentally inappropriate?
Real talk about parents’ use of corporal punishment and subsequently how they were raised can cause a firestorm of defensiveness, justification, and insecurity. It is hard to separate a means of punishment from the enforcer. We can be loyal to our parents, family and community without having to continue ill-informed methods or suffer from an inability to even question their practices. Honoring our forbearers includes doing better when we know better.
http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=to-spank-or-not-to-spank
http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/aia/part4/4p2956.html
http://articles.chicagotribune.com/2008-12-14/news/0812130408_1_michelle-obama-obama-children-parenting-discussion
http://www.thisdayinquotes.com/2010/11/spare-rod-and-spoil-child-is-not-in.html